Before this, the most settled and happy years of my life came to pass, and for reasons only a person like Yudit could explain, it was around my 43rd birthday that I decided to leave Paris to settle permanently to Australia – only an hour’s drive from the house where my mother then lived with my stepfather.
Soon upon my return though, as always, though my mother was very happy to have me nearby, once things settled, I found her generally combative, hypercritical of my any of my creative endeavours, of my aspirations and of my private life.
Always under the premise that she was trying to save me from relationships and situations unworthy of me, she ridiculed and belittled just about everything I did, said or thought. She was unforgiving of everything and of everyone who failed, in her eyes, to give her the affirmation she needed from others.
Beyond a narcissistic personality that was becoming more obvious, I sensed that a part of the problem was that she was taking out on me her disappointment about some aspects of her life.
I am not her property! I used to scream inside my head. How dare she treat me like her object! How dare she know me so little? Why does she talk to Myarh that way and how can she possibly think such things about her after so many years?
Why so much hatred and distrust? 10 years already! 10 years of accommodating! 10 years of enduring politely and placating! What more?!?
Self-preservation did offer a healthy reason for walking away from this out-of-control toxic situation but then, how could I when I felt that, deep down, my mother loved me and I loved her?
By the time I began unpacking some of my mother issues with Yudit, I was more than ever convinced I deserved better than the tidal wave of resentment, anxiety and self-doubt that knotted up my thoughts and gripped my stomach.
“Your mother’s DNA and your mother’s blood are blended with yours, as her child, for a reason. You are not a toddler in a candy store,” Yudit explained in her usual no-nonsense way. “You don’t get to choose anything – except the words that come out of your mouth. Yes, people and society will say that you can walk away from your mother, but they never add ‘at your own risk.’”
I nodded and kept reading. “You already know that energetic ripples once set in motion don’t just fade away. They trigger other reactions and situations. And these so-called new situations are always more unpleasant than the original one you ran away from. Part of the human tragedy is that people never see cause and effect when the effect happens much later in time. They only see it when it’s as obvious as when they cut themselves with a knife or have a car accident because they were talking on their phone, but they also add quickly that it’s bad luck that created the problem.”
Maybe it is a clever built-in coping mechanism, I thought briefly.
“Daily you will hope your mother sends you a message that says, ‘I will love you with all my heart. Please, darling daughter, come back. Talk to me.’ Be sure that this wait will bring you more pain than you already feel. And you can’t foresee what will flow on from that pain. And you can’t foresee any of your mother’s actions or the turn of events in her life that will flow from your decision to turn your back on her.”
And then, Yudit added, “In any case, CC, at your age, ask yourself how much of your mother’s love do you really need? Would you like her to smother you with kisses and live in your shadow, hugging you all the time and telling you how cute and gorgeous you are?”
No, I wouldn’t but, if my mother and I have been karmically assigned to each other, even before my birth, isn’t it so that we could simply love each other and watch each other’s back?
“CC, your birthright is to amend the karmic blueprint that is yours for this lifetime. That’s all. No need to go looking into past lives which so many find so irresistible. All you need to know is that you have a soul and that Soul is like the GPS voice that comes from above when you drive your car through unfamiliar places. She whispers to your heart the emotions and actions you need to take to get yourself to the next safe point, as simply as possible under your specific circumstances. What do you think pushed you to live so close to your mother in a country as vast as Australia? What do you think pushed you to see, really see your Myahr, and to become attached to her in a way that was new to you although we were already more than forty years old and had had several girlfriends?
Through thick and thin your Myahr revealed her true colours by becoming your essential, calming support. What do you think has made her able to cope with your mother and never stop being caring towards her although she had never experienced anything so unpleasant from anyone? Don’t tell me you started believing again in coincidences empty of meaning! Remember: things don’t just happen!”
Here’s the thing: human nature is wired in such a way that there can be no lasting joy and, therefore, no true well-being without a genuine bond with our family and loved ones. Full stop.
A similar bond is essential, too, with those who have been ‘dropped’ into our lives by blood ties, alliance or a contract of one form or another. And, Myahr, through the hurt and incomprehension occasioned by my mother ’s relentless actions and reactions towards her – and me – intuited that very fact. She was most often quick to bounce back and help me problem-solve – from the heart – the latest drama in the moment underfoot. Of course, a degree of resentment and anxiety remains, but it only casts a shadow. It has not assisted in the creation of a rift.
“CC, now that you are where you are,” Yudit wrote. “It’s up to you whether you allow yourself to hear more of Neshama’s voice or not. I promise that when you accept equally what brings you joy and what brings you pain, it’s because you heed Neshama’s whispers. You’re always free to drive off the main road, to stop anywhere, to waste time or get lost again. You can disappear in the wilderness any time and turn off your GPS. Another choice you have is to stop acting either as a child or as a programmed robot. Do what is needed at this moment. Detach from the past. Detach from yesterday. Don’t you know how a tiny change in a big system can potentially affect everything?”
The Chaos theory? The present determines the future. How to maintain a double-rod pendulum in a sane sequence of movement? Gulp.
“You see, Neshama sits at the high end of the ego, much lighter than the ego-persona that, like a child on a seesaw, sits heavily near the ground. Practice forgiving your mother just to untie yourself from your heartache and anxiety. She’s asleep and not seeking an inner betterment so, why count on her to pull you up? That’s childish. Just know that there is fear on her side as on yours. Mistrust and misunderstanding squat on both sides. Know that’s what locks you in like two bulls locking horns. So, ask yourself, CC, at the moment, knowing what you know … who is most able to react as the better person? Who is best able to break that heart-lockdown after 50 years?”